Saturday, November 24, 2007


There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded.I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Well it's been almost two weeks....

It's been almost two weeks and I still feel sad. I am looking forward to the appt with our new RE Dec 4th. I still think about the baby a lot and how far I would have been right now, and what I would have been feeling. It's also hard to see others with kids as well as I get sad thinking that would have been us soon. I know everyone says one day it will happen for us and our time will come, but right now that just doesn't seem to be the case. It's hard to think that when you are so sad.

I can't wait to get pregnant again, but I know when I am I will worry most the early pregnancy about having a miscarriage again. I am nervous about starting with the new RE and going through months of treatment and not getting pregnant. It will be so disappointing each month. Not to mention we owe money for the last treatment and testing which is probably around 700 or so plus we have the hospital bills from the two days I had to go during the miscarriage. Thinking about the money we have to spend again to get pregnant again is hard.

I just don't understand after so long of trying and going through all we have, that once we did get pregnant we had it taken away from us? I guess that's something I'll never understand.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


So I have been having a hard time posting about this on both of my blogs, so I put everything I posted on the other blog over to this blog today.

I am finally starting to feel a bit better now. Ready to get back to work and life after having the week off. My pain subsided around Wednesday and I think it was Thursday that I was finally able to fully eat food again with out vt every time I ate. I am glad to be feeling more normal again. I also went to the doctor on Tuesday and was told I have bronchitis. When it rains it pours.

I made an appointment with a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am thinking positive about this. The RE we were seeing never called me to give me the news when they thought things were going wrong and never called with his condolences. We decided that it would be best to go somewhere else and find someone we thought has the compassion we need right now. My appt is scheduled for 12/4/07. We have a bunch of new paperwork to fill out and I have to have all my records transferred over to the new RE. I just hope they can be more compassionate and hopefully I can b/c pregnant again and that next time it sticks. Me and dh want this so badly.

It has been a very trying week with the miscarriage and finding a new RE, etc. I am ready to get my mind off of this whole thing for a bit until our RE appt where we can look forward and plan some.

Back from the hospital

I started bleeding and cramping and it got worse. We went to the hospital. They did a pregnancy test and it came up negative, the bleeding and pain got worse and they let me know I had a miscarriage. Me and dh are an emotional wreck right now. I am staying home from work tomorrow to cope with the physical and emotional pain. Thanks for all the positive thoughts while this lasted. -Samantha

*Had to go to the hospital again today (monday) I am just in the worst pain ever. They gave me some intravenous pain medication and some to take home and did an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't anything else wrong. I have been nausiated all day and it won't go away. I have been trying to nap and will try to get to bed early. I have the rest of the week taken off from work so hopefully I can get to feeling better. I hate feeling so sick. Thanks again for all your positive thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to us!


So I decided after talking to many people, that I am not going back to the RE and will get set up with a regular OBGYN. Both people work in the medical field and said its too early to go as closely to the numbers and that most people will increase there numbers b/t 6-8 weeks. They also said the nurse had no right saying this early in the pregnancy what she said to me and had no right getting me that scared and worried. (she pretty much told me my pregnancy was over and there was a slim chance it wasn't) So for right now I am happy that I AM pregnant and will see a obgyn and not go to the RE to do my b/w monday.

I will have the new dr. take care of this from now on. I feel upset that she got me so worried and upset so early on and that many people I have spoken with say that everything will probably be fine with the pregnancy it's just so early on that the numbers will change. I am thankful for my friends and family who have been so supportive in finding things out for me and making me feel better right now. So POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! :-)

Thanks for listening to me and for the support. I am going to focus on resting and doing what is best for us right now. I promise to keep you updated.

Oh, and one day soon I promise to actually post something card related. lol! Love you all!!!

Prayers Please

I got a call today that my b/w did not look good. My HCG levels went from 69 on Sunday to 84 today (Thursday) they said this does not look good. They want me to do more b/w on Monday, said there is a very slight chance they will rise. I have never been so upset in my life. Think I spent the last hour in tears. I am 4 weeks and 1 day along. (two weeks past ovulation) What were your levels at this time? What do I do? I just need to have as many prayers and positive thoughts as I can right now along with faith. I hate to think I have had a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, but I know that is very real right now. PLEASE pray for us! -Samantha

*Wanted to post what the numbers mean. The numbers are my HCG levels. I don't know too much about it except things I have read. You can find out more about HCG here

Thank you in advance for the prayers. I have finally calmed myself down and me and dh are just praying a lot right now.

Guess What???


I got a positive test friday, tested again Sunday and the line was much darker. I had my blood drawn yesterday and got the results today and it was a BFP!!!

We are thrilled beyond belief! I am already cutting my work hours down starting next week to 30 hours/week. I know I am going to get much more tired than I already am. THANK YOU ALL for your positive thoughts, it worked!